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This may sound really strange, but I want breeches to come back into style. Honestly. I mean, look at them. They're probably the most comfortable pants ever made. Baggy for ultimate comfort no matter how much weight you've gained or (as in my case) how large your genitalia is. They stop at the knees so they won't get caught under your heel or get wet when you cross a puddle (or bloodstained when you clean up the mangled corpse in your basement).
These velvet breeches are copied from an actual pair of breeches from the Germanisches National Museum in Germany. We've included every detail of those very breeches into these (although we have spared you the caked on layers of dust and the hidden proximity alarm that goes off if you try to take them out of the museum's display case).
The Gracidmar Breeches, as alluded to above, are made from fine velvet and are lined in cotton. They feature a stylish button-fly design and pocket bags for you to store your large collection of pockets in. Um actually, my editor just told me that the pocket bags are actually just large pockets and can store anything you want. But if you DID have a large collection of pockets, you could probably put them there.
These velvet breeches have a drawstring waistband for a perfect fit and can actually be machine washed (tumble dry). If you want to see a downscale version of these breeches, please see our standard breeches
You want to pick a fight with someone? Tell them their grandfather wore dresses. The funny thing (besides the whole male-wearing-a-dress joke) is that you probably won't be lying.
Some of you are probably nodding your head and smiling, realizing that I am speaking of that period of time when Breeching of boys was a common occurrence. Others of you are fidgeting uncomfortably and remembering those pictures of grandpa wearing that negligee and eight ounces of eye makeup.
Breeching was the hysterical (and historical) custom of watching your son get fitted with his first pair of pants. Hysterical because until that precise moment, your son wore dresses for all of his life. No, it's not some weird sub-meaning of the word dress. No, the word dress didn't once mean something else. Not long ago, sons wore dresses until they were about 6 or 7 years old. Flowery, lacy, flowing, beautiful, J. Edgar Hoover dresses. Talk about un-seamly.
Breeching was a ceremony held for a son, a rite of passage so to speak, when they moved from gay, cross-dressing toddler to heterosexual, sword-wearing boy. (editor's note: Our writer is a gay cross-dresser, so he means no insult by this) (Writer's note: No, I'm not).
The ceremony was elaborate, with many of the boy's relatives and friends there to watch it (and you thought having a horde of people sing Happy Birthday to you was embarrassing). The boy would give up his dresses for good and put on his first pair of breeches. He would often get a ceremonial sword to strap on too, just to make sure he understood that he was a man now and was supposed to kill things.
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A bearded axe is actually an axe blade with a long heel that hangs down. This bit of blade gives the wielder a greater cutting surface, but, more importantly, it provides a great hook. Why would you need a hook? Well, the Vikings (and the Saxons, really) fought in shield walls-long lines of men, shoulder to shoulder, holding shields. Trying to get through a shield wall was ridiculously hard. So, Vikings came up with the bearded axe.